THE ART OF LETTING GO
by Mandy Tang
This week, I returned to yoga. Technically, it was the week before — but now that I’ve gone four times I can officially feel, in my bones, that I am back for real. I found a nice studio, with bamboo floors and skylights. There is a small room where you leave your wallet and keys, and the lock it before class begins.
I’m just going to describe what it’s like to do yoga because maybe you think it’s all zen zen but it’s not. For me, it is a place where I feel a lot of discomfort. But I go anyway because it’s good — for my writing, for my psyche, and for my muscles — to experience all of that.
Sometimes the teachers start with meditation and I am just jumpy. I have so much energy and I have to tell myself to calm down. Breath in and out. Slowly. My mind is racing, thinking about all the emails I have to send, this itch on my leg, the sun is hitting my eyes, it’s hot. Then they start the yoga and they tell you to go into downward dog and I always think it’s too soon.
When I was doing yoga with Maude, we always did a fifteen minute warm up. A slow stretching of the legs, a plank, an on your back — before we ever hit downward dog. Maybe I’m getting old, but it feels like too much inversion, too fast. So I resent it. I am always thinking, dammit, why are they so quick to go into this pose? Like, my head hurts.
But then there I am and I’m walking my legs up and down, meaning I’m just lifting one up off the floor and then the other. Like a little step up and down. When we move into the vinyasa, and go from the dog to the half bend to the up to the mountain — my belly pops out and it’s hanging over my shorts. Then I’m tucking my shirt into my shorts and my timing is off and I’m flustered.
Did I mention I am a 200-hour certified yoga instructor?
And I’m still fighting all of this stuff. Every. Single. Time.
I like the parts where we’re doing chaturanga, which is when you move into a plank into a low push up, balancing your weight on your arms and toes. I like reversing my toes back into a downward dog, bending them like I’m a ballerina. I enjoy the warrior pose and remembering that the arms are meant to be opposing — as a mirror to the inner battle that we often face in life — and to hold two things at once with tension is a challenge and a gift.
When we get to the lying on the back part, I am overjoyed. Like thank god this is almost done. Give me a bridge or a hip raise or a happy baby any day. Let me reverse my legs and touch my toes to the floor. If I don’t have to hold up my weight, while pretending it is not absolutely excruciating, it is a good time.
Savasana, or corpse pose, is usually last. It is meant to help us let go. A release. A time for integration. And also, prepare us for the act of dying. There’s such poetry in that. Also, I just love lying there, dead, feeling the vibrations in my supple body, half asleep, relieved it is all over.
Finally, I sit up and roll up my mat and give a little smile to the other people in the room. Suddenly I am my most gracious self, making sure to wipe down my blocks and walking with the most conscientious, loving steps. I am a buddha goddess. I am a woman warrior. I am hungry and ready to eat a breakfast burrito.
Anyway, I’ve found that I’m generally a lot less stressed.
I am having fewer melt downs. I’m more patient. I’m also more tired which means I sleep better. And I am getting better at the yoga. The first time I went back, my arms hurt. I literally could barely hold myself up. The most recent time, I felt good, strong. I am also combining it with Crossfit, which I go to once a week and absolutely destroys me in a good way. Strength and flexibility.
That is what I need to get through this next bit of writing the novel. I’m on page 51! I’ve made huge strides and my goal is to get to 80. Once I get to 80, I really think it will be downhill from there. The sweet editing stage where I can really sit with the words and massage them and place them, organize them in just the way that I like. And then I will have done it.
Mandy Tang is a Denver-based Career Coach, focused on unlocking your true purpose and potential.
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